She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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