Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
