Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
