I wish my penis had an off switch
oh god the rape fog is back!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
