Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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