Don't you send me to vm
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
