I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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