guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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