i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
