the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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