I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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