God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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