I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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