God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
