he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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