This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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