I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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