I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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