I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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