I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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