1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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