Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
