I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You ruined the universe
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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