Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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