i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
