I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
