I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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