Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So drunk its hurt
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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