I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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