You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
