What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
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I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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