You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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