There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
