apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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