I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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