I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The best revenge is premature balding
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
