im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
