Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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