I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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