look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
