Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My liver just had a heart attack.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
