Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he was CRYING into my vagina
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
