i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
