I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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