last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
