Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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