I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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