Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
