His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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