I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
