I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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