i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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