You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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