If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
areolas are like halos for boobs.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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