Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
