I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
