my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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