textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
