It's Friday. Sex?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
